ColorGuard 2008

Field Show

Speechless

wow
i cant even say anything
all i have to say is wow.

wow bitch wow...
a third time im so tired


D says i need a break i agree

i give up now


i cant even say anything

Its ok

wow i dont know anymore im literally tirrrred of this bullshit
same old game same old results

i dont even know what to say
im just so hurt right now but at the same time i cant help but smile
like im proud or something, i fucking irratating myself. Ugh i just have to face the facts that im not good enough,i feel like a piece of meat at most times

oh you're cute
oh you're hot
blach blah blah
and seriously im not
if people still insist all i have to say is, looks only get you so far, yea its get you an add on downelink but once your personality shows thats a whole different story. What i would do to have the best personality in the world well dont get me wrong i dont want to sacrifice an arm or leg but i wish it was 6th grade all over again when i asked a girl why she liked me

"your personality" nerdy innocent cute
what am i now
ugh im just a dork thats the most common thing, i ask myself should i keep to myself for now own? Idk like im thinking for now on i just need to be mature grow up and keep to myself maybe a whole new stage and step for me, it even sucks to have your color guard instructor say you're like an 8th grader part of me is like fuck you i dont care but change sucks but most of the time always for the better.

Mmm...i decided to text LC idk i had this weird feeling and turns out he does like another person and well idk you know how th story turns out, im just like ugh w/e this fucking sucks

just the other day simon told me about how the guy he liked went norcal or something and comes back with a bf and LC goes to socal i guess he ends up liking someone, at this point im like w/e...he told me he needed time to sort things out but i honestly dont know if i could wait, while i wait im know its going to hurt im asking myself is he really worth it theres other guys i could turn to, ugh i promised him that we still be friends i assured him that...no hard feelings if he chose the other guy as long as he's happy im happy no regrets
but this reminds me of a similar sitatuin with AJB but thats a different story i dont think ill ever bring up again

Through all of this
im smiling, im kinda like wtf right ha :)

Thanksgiving Conclusion

I was basically home alone and didnt do anything til 6 pm
then went to grandparrents had no turkey but just gravy ham and bread
After BlackFriday went to kalin's house and i started to whine about what to wear and blah blah blah
we headed out and when we got there we got in line there was no point cause everyone ran for the entrance
Anyways before i saw Chris, HI CHRIS :) wanted to give him a hug but his guy cousins scared me
before that i saw david and aaron...
I feel so not right in the mind now its just not the fact of the blog but its all coming back...its making me hate myself
Its making me think jonathan you should have been a bitch and took the offer and let him to dump his gf.
Black friday pissed me off
i think i lost 140 dollars
but hopefully its all at kalin;s house
im just hoping

Blah so fucking anggry im shaking and i cant even speak





I hate what ive become

Addiction

Its like a drug
i cant stop reading his blog
ugh..it shouldnt be affecting me
blah i feel like the grinch of thanksgiving


Last night i had a flashback and now im just reminescing
Hopefully black friday with kalin jeremy and karen makes everything better

Happy Thanksgiving

Im thankful for everything i have and all the drama and bull shit i went through
because of that im a stronger and better person. But i cant but help but think, what could have been

mm...
Its a holiday to much on my mind
im suppose to be on a "break"


asjbfaskjfja
ugh

Cold

The words you speak
Cold
Empty
Monotoned


i cant read
i cant predict
Nonunderstandable maybe it is time to let go

Today

was mm interesting Ima use intials well To start off Woke up hella early ate played videos games and chatted with people showered and got ready. It was 10:30 about i got to the bus stop and fuck it was raining hard daniel was trying to give me directions cause im hella stupid ahahha so i managed to get on the right bus FOR ONCE and i was trying to get to lickmill WHICH I NOW KNOW its near rivermark fuck i coulda asked my aunt for a ride anyways i had to walk in the rain looking for a place that daniel knew and i ended up at lickmill park which was more interesting, i waited for daniel to pick me up, we got to his house his mom went to go get gas and him and i talked and i had ocd and like messed around him house with his, i happen to walk into his room and his sister woke up i was like wtf and ran out cause she hella scared me suddenly blah blah then michelle ( his sister) and i talked and talked and i rambled said my life story in liike 5 minutes then nate daniels friend picked us up and we traveleddd to MHs haha we got lost and i had bad directions and made them turn and go the opposite direction i was like oops we turned back and found Milpitas high school hooray for us daniel and i left the car and nate waited THANK YOU NATE FOR THE RIDE<3 :D and then daniel and i wandered around and waited til everyone got out so the first person comes out that i didnt want to see KN but oh well i was polite hugged him and said hello and we kiindaa mingled but he was kinda eh annoyingish idk i dont look at him the same way. Then everyone else started coming out i saw lil kim LOVE YOU DAVID VASSER he was one of the people i was glad to see i wish i could of hung out with him more. and more people came daniel's lesbian lover and some guy nameddd jhomel. I met some other people but i honestly cant remember their names i remeber a girl named angelica thou. Then i met Daven Junhryl Katherine and Laura. I saw Ediben i wanted to say high but Kevin was like he hates you for leading him on i got pissed i wanted to walk up to him for one i didnt fucking lead him on, we only talked for 2 days and he admited that he falls for people easily im sorry if im polite nice and shit but if a person wants to turn shit around and put the blame on the other person fuck dude grow up please? Anyways for weeks even when i was suppose to see william i was hella nervous to see him because i was afraid if like what we use to have was still there i was like w/e i tried to brush it off. I recently read his blog im sorry Aaron :) i miss you to but i looked like i was doing fine with everyone but i was suprisingly glad to see you.Just remember as long as you're happy i wont regreet anything so fucking smile :) cause you deserve to Anyways after that we i waited around with daven and friends haha we walked to the bus and we waited for number 47. i met another girl kelly or something i guess daven and them didnt really like her but she said i was hot i was like thanks eh? We went off to Greatmall we said bye to junhryl on the way and then laura daven and katherin and i ended up at Gmall, we first headed to the food court i got arbys daven and laura got cinnabun and katherine got asian food haha, we sat there for some time then headed to the theater. We bought tickets for 2:35 twilight and we watchhhhhed. For me not reading the book i didnt know much but i liked the movie Jacob seems cute Alice is idk hot and seems like a lesbian hahaha anyways Daven and i cuddled :) and watched the movie hooray for cuddlng. We walked out i almost lost my phone cause i forgot it in the theater cause it dropped. When we walked out the girls were in the rest room and daven and i stood there and waited I happen to see Jaron but it sucked i didnt know it was actually him til i got home and he told me he swore he saw me i was like FUCK FUCK DAMN i shoulda said hi and got a hug but oh well?. We headed to Chipolte and took some pictures KAtherine and laura got free burritoes hahah cause their twilight ticket we talked fooled around i had to leave to the family and they took me to eat Outback steack house so i said my goodbyes to them i didnt want the day to end anyways after dinner i ended up home and yeap alot on my mind Currently blah i dont know what to say to Mr Bondoc Dont know what to do about LC and DL T_T mm oh well its break i need a break from this stuff

On a plate

Throughout my life i learned that you should always take responsibility
its your fault and no one else's and once again i made a complete idiot of myself, i cared and loved someone who obviously will never feel the same way. Im to young to know the true definition of love yet,i hardly doubt there is one, everyone has their own definition. Whats funny is i thought i had it and as soon as i figured it out it backfired and hit me. With the 1 night oh happyness i got more attached and more attached and thats my fault, i became weak and co-dependant and i let my guard down.
Its so sad i expect better from myself

i am here to conclude a new statement you never learn from your mistakes, you only grow a tolerance which will eventually be broken.
And tonight...my tolerance my wall my shell it all broke. Maybe im being insecure by rushing into conclusion. honestly i never asked to take part in this game i never cared about the night of bliss all i wanted was a smile and to be warm, and if i knew the consquences i would have never set foot in this game. Some say you could step out anytime but it...love is a drug once and you can never leave the game.
I just wish the person you liked could honestly just go to your face and just say sorry i like someone else yea its going to hurt and yea you care about my emotions but its going to manifest into something worse if you dont.
Just so fucking stupid...
i dont know what to believe in anymore
its just a crush most likely lust but it felt so real...


Jonathan Jonathan look at yourself you turned into something you cant stand, something i cant stand to look at.
You can go on and on about how much you life sucks but it wont get you anywhere
just pick yourself up and go

Over it
thats the way to go

Blahsasafasf

"I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way youre always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when youre not around,
and the fact that you didnt call.
But mostly I hate the way I dont hate you,
not even close
not even a little bit
not even at all

Overit

Well today had dimsum played some Star Ocean
and thats pretty much it
i didnt finish all my homework but oh well right?
Helluh test on tuesday which i need to study for.

Saturday i was suppose to go to the mall with daniel to see William
i was kinda dissappointed i couldnt go
like i tried so hard but oh well my mom wanted me to study and do homework so i was like w.e she was nice enough to buy me jamba juice to make me stfu. I was not just disappointed to hangout with William but to spend time with Daniel cause we never hung out before
but oh well use to it

maybe ill get another raincheck
anyways
Thanksgiving break soon
cant wait

Pity Party

ugh i dont want to say im depressed i dont want to say im happy
i want to say thou i feel so empty and emotionless

somethings missing, these certain names keep revolving through my head
and i think about how they screwed me over and play mind games with me

But you know what a part of growing up is
when you accept the responsibility of your own actions
and i soon realized as of right now
they never screwed me over

i screwed myself over because if i was really good enough then i would have never been left there just to stand holding a sign saying "will work love"

But like every mistake one makes you learn from them

i accept my own actions
i know my mistakes

its time to learn

Jonathan

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear Id be a better man.
Id listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause hes taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed


Blah you're so fucking stupid jonathan
once again holding on a wire, an invisible wire. Invisible because..you cannot see the wire its unreadable and unpredictable its almost like the wire has no mind to predict, yes you still hold on but for what reason?

ugh just screw this all
this is stupid
everyone is stupid
and im stupid
the only person at fault is the idiot who made everything stupid
Seriously grow up jonathan pham you cry whine and bitch at every little single thing and i cant help feel sorry for you, yes why dont we throw you a pity party.
Its just a boy but why do you hold on so much, even when your chances are slim and you have no hope you still hold on like a mindless zombie.


Blah im trying not to be another one of those hooligans who cry over heart breaks cause thats just so middle school...where's karen when you need her



Goodbye my almost lover

Chill

I was going to talk to Aj today but i still need to cool down
other stuff non school related but im pissing myself off
anyways today was a fun day
tons of english homework and what not so i need to prep for my time write.

Where to start
Costco Gas
Went with janine to go get gas at costco and it was lke a 30 minute wait so we cranked up random tunes. Some fucking indian guy kept bitching and kept honking at us
so then i decided to record videos which will be on the bottom of the blog it was hella funny i asked if she wanted to be serenaded she was like Wtf Marinated? cracked up so hard then it came to her turn she tried to reverse and she failed hardcore when she open her door she hit a pole i was like literally laughing out loud. i left my door open and i went to janine's side and when the indian guy behind us left he helluh honked at bitched and as he left i was like "WHAT SON WHAT" she drove me home so i could get ready for the dentist and when i got to the dentist it was closed so next on our list WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Vsa Bonding
Super fun played a game of scavenger hunt
so in my group rikku "whore" and Janine and haha we had to find items of color that didnt belong to us and we did the smartest thing ever we ran and grab a box of crayon it got thinner and thinner janine and i got eliminated when we had to get a left shoe =_= omfg "whore" gave us a damn riight show i wanted to kill her haha!

Anyways we got eliminated then A whole bunch of us got food and talked i tried to feed janine Orange Chicken she was like NOOOOO and then she got in an akward position with her legs wide open and i was like wtf? no wonder why in the car you mentioned marinated you want orange chicken in your vagina.
We continued with more Vsa games
and then it was me and rikku we had to translate something in viet to our partner and they had to say it
we failed harcore
then we played a game called ship wreck
and
the day ended cleaned up and we left



After Vsa
Janine didnt want to go home
I didnt want to go home we danced around
and i poled danced and we just dance and i lip sang and she ocasssionally joined in it was fun and then vsa officers came out and left and janine and i stayed a little bit longer, she didnt want to drive me home what a jerk so i made her drive me half way but i got her to drive in to a street that was one way she was like "WTF" and turned back and didnt give a shit so i ended up walking home

but that was fun dancing singng and grinding in the street
we sang to
Hot N Cold - katy perry

Cool Down

I unswitched the angry switch
but i dont know the day got more stupid
people changed and i changed i dont have the tolerance for immature little shits anymore i excluded myself from their group a long time ago this summer and to this point i still excluded myself and it was good to watch everyone act like idiots and screw each other and to be dragged in over a crooked penis comment oh well its stupid and i just need to be the better person its shit talking seriously everyone does it and im not going to lie but when i do it ill have the balls and own up to it.
Well shannon and breanna had ther last words but with aj its just fuck it how many times have we talked and he still talks behind my back?
To clear up a few things
Dear blog,
if i ever get angry like that again well idk
im suprised ive grown up alot more i know i tried to start shit at lunch with a comment i made but oh well its nice being talked and about and getting dirty looks when you're right there. Whatever

im sticking to the quote

If you're being talked about then you're doing something right

Thiis is not shit talking be warned no one is asking you to read this but if you happen to well get over it :) because i dont get a shit im going to back where it all started

Its so funny well to start off
lets see
Lets go all the way back when i first met aj haha i thought he was cute and all and tried to go for someone who was "straight" and in the end this quote became true to me

What you want most becomes the worst for you

Now i was super immature but thank you ella for putting up with me During BOTT i was always like bitching like "invite aj dont invite aj" i kept pmsing i felt bad now that i look at it so so sorry ella anyways moving on, why did i break up with him the first place
was it to get to luhan?
was it cause i got bored
was it cause im a man whore
i would say the third option but no :) people say i cheated on him but thats not the case in my opinion when your not official your practically still single so im going to clear that bit up first
But its something he couldnt give me and i was rowing to fast and i felt he couldnt keep up with my boat so i felt like ending things

oh heres a big thing
i dont give a shit if you think im a whore or a slut
im fucking proud of it
cause seriously that means, you're jealous cause i get ass and you have nothing better to say
and really my reason why i get over people so easily is cause im use to it not being hopeful and all im not a naive lover anymore im not going to cry over spilt milk, im going to suck if up and move on cause there's no point and if thats portrayed whorish well i have no clue what to say to anyone anymore what am i suppose to do cry over a girl or guy i went out with for only a month. I lost those feelings for him but obviously he had bitter feelings he said he didnt and ok ill believe him but still starting shit.
Saddest part was
he begged for a second chanced and tried to sway me with the words "i love you" it disgusted me.
In the summer more shit happened i got into more arguments in the end people turned on me even a close friend angelo, they all called me inconsiderate

I learned from it i learned to be considerate i grew up and i grew out of the stage of
OF FUCK THIS I WAS MADE THIS WAY I AM WHO I AM AND I CHANGE FOR NO BODY but to grow i know i had to step out my comfort zone. Now its really funny how aj liked jeremy but jeremy rejected him so aj went to the next thing Jerome and its really stupid i made a comment "everyone is stupid for crying over jerome who is leaving"
another thing to clear up i said that because no one knew jerome or talked to him as much as breanna and i did so it was stupid to see people cry over him when they only known her for two weeks i know its sad and all but come on seriously =_=. Aj and jerome went out OH OH OH PAUSE IT FUCKING PAUSE aj went out with kevin liang i gave them my best wishes and it was funny in the end kevin comes to me and say wow jonathan you were right "all he just wants is sex and not a serious relationship" so i was like wow 1 point for me

OK MOVING on back to aj and jerome they eventually broke up but it was so obvious jerome was a rebound because aj got rejected and two days after he was lke i liked jerome jerome jerome i want to go out with jerome. It was so funny so one day at Great America i happened to go with my cousins the same day as angelo and all of them and jerome aj and angelo they all were bitchy to me that day cause i stopped by to say hi to everyone they took off in a hurry i was like w/e im going to fucking enjoy my day with my cousins and in the end you know whats funny? Breanna and Jeremy got ditched by them

and its sad to see that people call me INCONSIDERATE i expected better from angelo cause we go back but you know what people of the past should stay there and if they dont make it to your present oh well there wont be a future either. Angelo soon realized what happened he apolgizied to everyone, and it came to the conclusion that angelo is a good person at heart and he wants to make everyone happy but he's a different person when he's around his twin.Poor jerome was a pawn in all of this i never did anything to him in my opinion he was also naive but anyways back on topic.
Aj and jerome broke up and funny thing iis AJ goes back to Jeremy. Now heres the thing
i get over people quick and if aj does the same to well thats good but aj was already potrayed as naive on the topic love still and he was already shown as "in it for the sex" so breanna i and other people warned jeremy becareful we're here for you. They went out and things mellowed down.
During homecoming i notied raymon and aj getting closer i was like oh weird oh weird
at lunch i took breanna and karen aside i was like are you getting weird vibes? i explained to them and pointed things out i sent karen to talk to raymon and breanna to jeremy.
You know whats so hilarious jeremy and aj broke up on the same day. I kinda laughed, the day previously i went to raymon before yoga i was like so i heard aj likes you he was responded with a "what how did you know" i was just kidding around so i was like wtf how did i know? Anyways i knew raymon and aj would have something it was none of my business but i sent karen to warn raymon cause even thou we're not close i feel like as a friend im obligated to like have his back

Now you know what
Raymon raymon raymon is something he hates me and he thinks jeremy is annoying why? because of aj we never did anything to raymon and its so funny he'll talk shit behind your back but never confront you and for a while karen said raymon was pissed at her to he'll be like "dont make things up" karen was like what did you say? he will be like" oh notihng nothing nothing" its so funny. People try to have your back and in the end you repay them by hating them, its ok it just takes one event to open your eyes and show you how naive you are.

i understand people can change and maybe aj did genuwinely like raymon but you just have to ignore the shit and prove yourself pretty much. Whatever it ends up as breanna and i talking shit. Now i did admit to pointings things out tihs whole situation reminded me of kalin and brittny when kalin tried to have brittny's back so i knew his point of view and everything but breanna blamed everything on me like the shit talking and etc. it was annoying



Anyways stuff mellowed down
oh here's something stupid
so Aj was led to believe that i got angry cause aj "got to raymon first" cause i called dibs on raymon when he came out the closet. Honeslty thats not the case he can go fuck himself up the ass. He's forming a situation of sides right now and honestly if you want people to start choosing sides than so be it i will never back down even if im left alone.

Stuff seemed to mellow down and kalin made a comment about his crooked penis one day
and you know what we talked things out and he made a comment like i said in the last blog about setting me straight ok that like ticked me off to the point where i couldnt like talk. So im here now and its funny they talk all the shit they want and
in the end

I feel good now im brushing it off and im feeling good cause i know they're thinking about me at least, you just have to love the haters right?


They can go fuck themselves
happier note

Went to SC today
Saw old friends
Nancy<3 miss your ass Stephanie nazario
a whole bunch of people tons and tons and i met new people

I LOVE OLIVIA im her sexy slut hahaa
i ended up hanging out with iinteract people for a while made fun of jin with Heidi and talked to priscilla watch interact do their lip sing.
Its nice to see people there even chanel :)<3


Anyways im done blogging
Got offended oh well do something about it haha!

Alex

abcdeWTF12345 (11:23:11 PM): There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will.

abcdeWTF12345 (11:23:23 PM): So don't worry about people from your pasts, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Talk

If your talking about me well i know im doing my job right

Where to start

Well i havnt blogged ina while so much stuff happened

Its was really sad but me and jodie decided to be friends, and i believe its the best decision like i rather us be best friends plus i dont worship the pussy any more haha.
Over the past days its been chill no big arguments or anything, planning on going to jack in the box again with shannon jeremy and kalin but it depends, Vietnamese bonding night this friday. Gosh i have an F in FRENCH and im working semi hard to get it up
blah i just need to remember avoir etre and mrs vandertramp shit my last chance to raise my grade is wednesday ah!.
I swear school has passed by so fast like it was yesterday when it was the first day of sophmore year and now next week is thanksgiving so its like wtf already? I dedcided to go to winerball with breanna shit i have no clue what im wearing i really dont want to wear a tux.. :( just let me wear my flannel and skinny jeans but oh well oh well =_= im planning on doing yellow :) or Maybe blue haha depends!. Gosh i need helluh money thou 35 for winterball couple ticket 20 for vsa jacket and money for my clothes ahhaha=_= ahh i need a freaking job. I want lawrence to come to winterball with me but that jerk didnt give me an answer so oh well haha :),

Yesterday Kalin and Jeremy 3 wayed me and warned me that they pissed aj off and he blew up ..as usual? so it wasnt a suprise when he started to threaten to beat people's ass's liike mine and kalin. Its really stupid someone said your penis is croocked but if you look on the upside if its croocked you can hit the gspot easily geez =_= and he acts like a drama queen i swear he kept bugging kalin about something that hurt her so much and she didnt blow up she just brushed it off. Its so stupid its not just him well mostly him how people just cry over the most stupidest shit like dont get me wrong theres nothing wrong with crying but why waste your time being sad over a damn boy =_= "WAHHH SO AND SO REJECTED ME" im like "stfu" you have so many other good things going on in your life you dont even take the time to appriciate those. You could have it worse you could have abusive parents AHEM you could have 3 family members die in one year AHEM you could have been lied about your real father for 14 years ahem! I dont know what to say to this anymore, lastly you go off calling people inconsiderate is that the only thing you can say YOU'RE INCONSIDERATE YOU'RE INCONSDERATE serously shut the fuck up your a narcissist you only care about your feelings so if someone doesnt treat you right you feel like they dont care about your feeling thus being inconsiderate

ok off that topic so many more things but ill blog more when i get back from school

You Fool

Washing away the boundaries of reality
A tidal wave of chaos created on my own
It looms as to enjoy what it will destroy
Then unfolds itself upon the world I've known

Unluckily my sanity's hanging on a thread
A weak grip dangling side to side
I'm so desperate to get out of my head
But I can't stop the unraveling of my mind

It's fizzled out the spark that lit my brain
Is this part of what brain damage entails?
Seeing less with my eyes left open
All my senses have begun to fail

I watch incurably my insanity take hold
While the best of me floats into the Last Sea
I can do nothing as the other me floats indignantly
While the Waves play and laugh with this tragedy

Veterans day

Anyways
Today was fun woke up went on aim for a bit and stuff showered, and tehn practice guard in the backyard, then Lawrence picked me up and his car is the SHIIT MAN SAFKJBAKJF :D We kept debating what to eat but w/e i would pay we went back and forth and decided Roll City i think haha korean food, ordered about 29 dollars worth of food and then went to Walmart and got drinks and got stick of chapstick for lawrence cause his lips were w/e hahaha, then we took his car to the shop and he and i wandered around looking for a place to eat our food. We sat around and talk alot haha it was pretty chill, then we went back to pick up his car and waited i was late for guard but it was worth it. He dropped me off and we said our goodbyes i met up with jodie and jen and after guard jodie and i talkeddd and jen went to go shit herself. I soon realized i lost my phone i was like oh shit. Lawrence came over and my phone wasnt over but w/e he and i talked and chilled and he ended up spending the night pretty cool. The next morning he drove me to school and i attempted to look for my phone again

Adventures of the Lost Phone
Today was chill and stuff
Another french test next friday
IM GOING TO PASS THAT SHIT
anyways!

Went to the dentist and im helluh sad
I may be helluh drama queenish but idk it's sad.....almot 4 years with my braces idk i got attacked to them no matter how painful and annoying they got its just me
BRACE FACE

. I just want to say like alot has happen with the braces idk it may not seem much to other people but to me its like my baby and it makes me ME and idk its heartbreaking i dont know how'll ill look after they get off Ah im so nervous like even thou ill always miss the past maybe my braces is the thing that connects me to the past the most and once the braces are gone the pain that still in my chest will finally just let go.And to think of all the thing that happen to me this year its just so interesting to think of how much i grown and what kinda person ive become and what factors contributed to that. Now with braces off it seems ill change even more, idk im a drama queen . Ah i hope i look decent when the braces come off. Blah drama drama drama queen queen queen
what else will i rely on my identity now haha


BTW i found my phone it was in my nikes haha

Mirror

All good things he adored while young
Seemed to fly out of his hands
Floating up gracefully towards the sun
Hoping to end up in better hands

All good things left of his loving mother
Was overshadowed by paranoid insanity
All he can remember is her asking
Whether he loved her more than daddy

All good things he says of his father
Is gauze to cover festering wounds
Cut down for his lack of anything to offer
Left for conceited wolves to peruse

All good things that made life fair
Had the dreaded ability to disappear
Only to come back as nightmares
As the shadows that he now fears

All good things he believed to be true
Were ruses he created to sedate his mind
He wore profusely the face of a fool
Now all he sees is grays with jaded eyes

All good things he had a light for
Darkened his withering candle's flame
The torches he wouldn't leave on the floor
Left ash pouring down like black rain

All good things he puts for you on display
Provide a canvas on which he can create
To cover the lifeless rock in his chest
And mask the emptiness he's afraid to face

Take a Bow

I'll never understand
i wish i could read minds, life would be so easy if i could know whats going on in the mind of the other person. Well Last colorguard competition at fairfield on saturday. Life is pretty chill i guess nothing really bad going on and nothing to bitch at, but idk somethings missing like always, i dont know what. Its that feeling of being complete thats eating me up inside. I have no clue is it the feeling of old friends that i miss, the lover i seek that will be the yin to my yang i have no clue but this is no new feelings to me. My Biggest fear was always being alone, and that fear turned into a nightmare, and then finally..that nightmare is a reality, i dont know like im such an ass like Cassandra Phan is one of sweetest people ever she lets me copy her homework gives me food and and im always sarcastic and stuff with her. I dont think its the people i came to love who's changed..ive been bitching about the wrong things when the real problem is right in front of me.

Weight

There’s still a weight I carry on my chest
It crushes me while making it harder to breathe
I use words as my arms to lift it
But anything I write only gives a moment’s relief

Now I’ve written more than I thought I could’ve
Yet I feel like there’s so much more for me to say
But when I grab the pen and pad I fall silent
Like I had somewhere to go but got lost along the way

Am I missing on some lonely path inside of me?
Or having a hard time finding a road that’s been there
In a silent forest that still leaves my head ringing
I keep walking for a purpose I forgot and no longer care

I could write a poem about love or how it hurts
Write about being lonely wondering what its all for
I could write punch lines to sugarcoat the pain
But in the end it’d be something already heard before

It doesn’t matter if there’s a happy, or sad ending
When one story ends another one has already begun
Always looking for the next best, or just anything
But the words only create some sort of bland rerun

There seems to be nothing new to add to society
My two cents match what’s in any other pocket
My plot is different but it’s basically the same story
A kid trying to hold onto his conscience only to have lost it

Nowhere to run

:)

Lawrence Cruz is awesome<3 ;)

526500 minutes

Smile

Satisfaction?

You..
Are you satisfied? Where you are, where i am? I made you smile and you made me smile but at the end of our time who got the bigger slice of the pie? You all high and mighty walking like your the king of the world not caring about who really cared for you and tried to be there for you, now you've moved on and your all happy and im left here with a pain clawing at my shattered heart. I could just call you an ass and move on no problem but you know what? im better than that..this is just so stupid well i can say thank you, you made me into a new me im not going be played with or screwed over no more but i wont do the playing or screwing over.


Blah what more do i have to offer, im sorry im just trying to be a really good friend i give up everything i have and in return you smile, for now ill just be content with that

Let me kick it to you right quick, man
That on some gangsta shit man, on some real shit
Anybody done been through the same thing,
I'm sure you feel the same way Big Phil
This for you pimpin'
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead
and gone, dead and gone
Ever had one of dem days wish woulda stayed home
Run into a group of niggas who gettin' they hate on You walk by
They get wrong
You reply then shit get blown
Way outta proportion
Way past discussion
Just you against them, pick one then rush 'em
Figure you get your hair that's next
They don't wanna stop there now they bussin'
Now you gushin', ambulance rushin'
You to the hospital with a bad concussion
Plus ya hit 4 times
Plus it hit ya spine
Paralyzed waist down now ya wheel chair bound
Nevermind that now you lucky to be alive
Just think it all started you fussin' with 3 guys
Now ya pride in the way, but ya pride is the way
You could fuck around, get shot, die anyday
Niggas die everyday
All over bull shit, dope money, dice
game, ordinary hood shit
Could this be 'cos of hip hop music?
Or did the ones with the good sense not use it?
Usually niggas don't know what to do
when their back against the wall so
they just start shootin'
For red or for blue or for blo I guess
From Bankhead or from your projects
No more stress, now I'm straight,
now I get it, now I take
Time to think, before I make mistakes
just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead
and gone, dead and gone
I ain't never been scared, I lived through tragedy
Situation coulda been dead lookin' back at it
Most of that shit didn't even have to happen
But you don't think about it when
you out there trappin'
In apartments, hangin', smokin', and rappin'
Niggas start shit, next thing ya know we cappin'
Get locked up then didn't even get mad
Now think about damn what a life I had
Most of that shit, look back, just laugh
Some shit still look back get sad
Maybe my homboy still be around
Had I not hit the nigga in the mouth that time
I won that fight
I lost that war
I can still see my nigga walkin' out that door
Who'da thought I'd never see Philant no more?
Got enough dead homies I don't want no more
Cost a nigga his job Cost me more
I'da took that ass-whoopin now for sure
Now think before I risk my life
Take them chances to get my stripe
A nigga put his hands on me alright
Otherwise stand there talk shit all night
'Cos I hit you, you sue me,
I shoot you, get locked up, who me?
No more stress, now I'm straight,
now I get it, now I take
Time to think, before I make mistakes
just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
I turn my head to the East
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the West
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the North
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright
I turn my head to the East
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the West
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the North
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead...

In return

Gosh sometimes i just question myself, i make the stupidest choices but they come from the bottom of my heart. Why am i so nice sometimes? i back off from the people when i feel like i need to
like backing off from luke for daven
or backing off from aaron for his gf
idk
What if i really mean and all bitchy
gosh i swear thou maybe nice guys do finish last who knows thou i might eventually get my karma

i give up everything i end up with nothing
and suprisingly im somewhat content with it

Oh Snap

Where to start off, Yesterday had Bonding with FASA it was fun played tons of ice breakers and got to meet new people :) i got to see jen again we took pictures and chilled. she is not officially my scissor sister, dude seeing her makes me helluh sad it makes me miss yearbook tons when mr ooka would yell at me but we were the biggest dorks :D then we talked about prop 8 and it got kinda well not wild, more like heated.Then i left around 6 to usher for the play noises off, being an usher i handled doors and i did the concession stand for 2 intermissions and i loved the play i wanted to see it again and again, christina lea was my favoritee character and then after the play i went home and rested

Vented karen about how annoying and fake people get
and she totally agree its just so funny i swear, like watch ill notice something now and everyone is going to deny it and shit and then a few weeks or months later there all like UGH THESE PEOPLE PISS ME OFF its just so hilarious me karen and kalin, knew that the old 8th grade group was changing and nothing was going to be the same people were being replaced when they shouldnt be, and it just sucks but oh well it took the whole summer for a few people to be like "wow...the 8th grade group is gone"
i was just so irratated, like really? fucking geez you notice now
anyways im helluh anal about the topic 8th grade group cause that was my family and my past it made me who i am today
When aj was like "i miss the old group" i was like wtf... he was like "freshman year" im like ok seriously wtf? you came hanging out with us like the second semester and you werent an original and all you did was start drama and become the center of attentioni
I swear Breanna has become really bitchy latly alot of people noticed ever since she found out dex is going to winterball with aryn, and honestly im sick of it i understand you helluh like him and shit but there come's a point where you need to move on and do much better, honestly if karen huynh can get over anthony then you need to get over dex i understand you have family problems to but seriously kalin was telling me how her grandparents aree helluh nice and shit like one time she got a B on a math test they hung it up on the refrigarator and her grand parents took her out to celebrate. WTF I DONT GET SHIT if i get an A all i get is "oh ok just dont fail" =_= even if your parents do drugs or some shit you need to appriciate what you have, well its none of my business
but im helluh going to say that my generation is straight up rude i know im rude but im learning and try to respect my family and elders but yea like straight up rude shannon for example i understand you say "no on prop 8" but you need to understand the other side you cant go around saying FUCK YOU to everyone who says yes on prop 8 its like all of them running up to you saying FUCK YOU YOUR GAY YOU SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE FUCK YOU, like you need to understand where the other side is coming from even if they dont see where your coming from you need to be the better person.
Alot of people need to grow up because kalin and i are like one day we should have a circle when everyone says their feelings towards that person, but i was like kalin "alot of people are really immature and if you make a comment that they dont like they'll get helluh anal and feel like their being attacked" she agreed to, honestly were fucking sophmores now people need to get over the whole crying cause your ass got rejected or the guy you like doesnt like you back, cause when someone cries everyone acts like is the end of the world geez if their fucking crying or even if i am just fucking leave them alone, and dont ask if there ok CAUSE DO THEY FUCKING LOOK OK.

I will always respect a person who will say their shit in front of my face rather behind my back

Seriously like threatening to beat my ass haha i will never forget that because that is the most immature shit ever. To clear things up theres a fine line to talking shit and speaking the truth. I speak the truth im not like YOUR A DIRTY BITCH LICKER but im more like exposing the fake for who you are,i point things out that are obvious so really thats not even shit talking dont get me wrong i do shit talk but ill definetly say it to your face

well thats all for now

Here we go again

Oh dear
i feel good
holding it all in and just letting it go

/New Lesson

Express your feelings when needed to dont brush it off and hold back when your sad be fucking sad

Where to start

Shit dude where do i start
my internet was down and i couldnt blog so i have helluh shit to say
but i dont know where to start.
Well the main topic that i always blog about is life duh

where to start where to start
life is just a mess thus im a mess im trying to handle
Mom's pregnant and she's not even married to todd and she wants me to call him dad and crap and im like whatever at this point. I already know everything that happens to me well most things i put upon myself which is stupid of me but all i can do is learn from my mistakes.Theres so much i dont know where to start. So i was really pissed off about my mom being pregnant cause for one i had to find it out from my aunt and that just flipped me out, seriously you dont have the decency to tell your own damn son, my mom is dead to me she even had the nerve to vote yes on 8.
Damn i swear ugh im starting to hate everyone but im learning to appriciate the smaller things in life which is weird. Well its more of im sick and tired of alot of things well i WAS and when i took a step back and took a break it felt so good i felt so relaxed i had time to look up at the sky and stare at the clouds.
Well what to start off
1.He...dedicated a song to "i can change you life" and these past days when i sit at lunch with my ipod i leave that song on repeat as the days grow by i miss you more aaronjosh and it sucks idk im just bitter honestly i say you screwed me over when really you didnt i screwed myself over and im at the point where i miss him but never want to talk to him again, that song..he did change my life and he did make me happy but key words did. Anyways i miss him to death and when i think back what if i did give him a second change and let him dump his gf..oh well its over what use to be a grasp away is just miles and miles away
2.You know..it hurts when you like a guy but he does something else with another guy honestly whoever said you stopped liking him, yea..just because you refuse to go out with him and give him a change for what happened doesnt mean you didnt stop caring...i didnt stop caring. You said to me that you wanted to be close friends after i tried, you even admit to making things akward and i dont really want to try anymore not with you i tried to be friends and everything but i just dont care anymore, i dont care about anything anymore. As long as he's happy with his new man andrew or whatever im fine but i dont know its another situation where i want it but things are holding me back
3.I really honestly cannot put up with you we hung out one day and im sorry if i cant handle long distant relationships i really did care for you as a person but you were never considerate of how i felt when you asked me a question and i said my answer it was never what you wanted to hear and it sucks cause the last words you said to me were "its ok dont call me" and its like wtf im sorry if i dont want to get with you and my answers to your questons werent good enough but fuck dude you want to sink to that level where you like dont talk to me
4.gah i havnt talked to you in forever but still luke luke luke its sucks like you say you like me but i cant keep up with you anymore im going to let daven have you because thats the right thing to do.
5.Damn :( daniel gosh i dont know i wish i knew what was on your mind or i could hang out with you like that one time in the morning your just so awesome but sometimes i think you hate me and sometimes well idk o_o on and off feelings to
GUYS FUCKING SUCK
but im no mother fucking walk in the park either i suppose


Anyways what elsse has recently happen

Some mexicans guy told this guy i know to beat my ass cause i was bi and im like wtf i was pissed but whatever they are like that because of their own insecurities
Recently David Vasser a really good friend visited me at wilcox and wow man that day me david and jeremy was fun like me and kalin have this big understanding now.
David was cool we talked :D and yea
he told me about this whole thing about luke and daven and a whole bunch of things i have a feeling that daven hates me haha because luke liked me but w/e im lettng him have luke, cause i NEED A BREAK and well idk.
I just dont want to be screwed over and for that to happen i need to stop things im doing. Im like backtracking and im just a big ass whore i move on and never take the chance to consider other people's feelings so why do i complain when someone doesnt considers mine. oh well
Theres probaly more that im forgetting but whatever this is enough im getting back on track but really wilcox is making me ugh i just want to transfer we'll see when move back to the house on hostetter

Not having the internet for a week almost two was good i had alot of time to think and take a break from alot of crap

well til next timeee
im out